Fauxpology

A Word to the Public

I regret to inform you that I—star of the silver, gold and platinum screen—have recently been caught up in an unfortunate whirlwind. Put more simply, some very disheartening allegations have been made by women who have worked with me in the past. To those women, I say that I am very sorry if they were offended. Certainly my intention wasn’t to make you “feel like less of a person,” as one (probably dramatic) woman said. No, I’d never intend that, as my fans likely already know.

For the benefit of these poor, confused women as well as my adoring public, I have decided to address this controversy with the in-depth statement that follows:

As the son of a mother, the brother of a sister, the father of anywhere from two to sixteen daughters (the paternity tests are still out), the former boyfriend of countless ex-girlfriends, and the one-time husband of a wife (sure, the marriage lasted only eighteen days, but that wasn’t my fault), I love females. I have the utmost admiration for their bodies. And yes, maybe I can be a little vocal about my admiration, but I definitely did not shout “nice rack!” as Anonymous Accuser #4 claims. No, I most likely said something more akin to “what beautiful breasts you have” or “your chest region is very pleasing to the eye,” which would obviously have been much more respectful.

Anonymous Accuser #7, whom I worked with on the film Crash! Burn! Die! (which was amazingly successful and which I recommend everyone go watch after reading this), recalls that I “slapped and groped” her butt. I know for a fact this didn’t happen, as I am a breast man (see the previous paragraph). I will grudgingly admit that it is possible my hand lightly grazed her butt as I was leaning around to look down her shirt, but that would’ve been accidental. What does she want me to do, NOT have hands? That just seems, frankly, unreasonable.

As someone who interacts with ladies almost every day, who has been the customer of numerous female Starbucks baristas and who escorted upwards of nine women to various high school dances, I am aghast at the accusations of Jane Doe #14, who says I “forcibly tried to undress her” and “jabbed [my] tongue down her throat.” She implies I had dubious motivations, but this could not be further from the truth! What actually occurred was that I thought her clothing had caught on fire and was trying to remove them from her body to save her (later I found out the “fire” was actually just the floral pattern of said clothing), and then I tried to perform CPR on her to help with smoke inhalation. See? It was all just a dreadful misunderstanding! I am, however, very sorry she misconstrued my attempts to SAVE HER LIFE as being attempts to steal her virtue, which of course I would never, ever do.

My career as an actor has been extraordinarily successful, acclaimed and praised by all, as evidenced by my string of box-office hits and critical darlings. Many have asked if my fame has made me a target. Many have pondered if this is all just one big witch hunt. To those people, I say, “Perhaps.” You see, I’ve won four Golden Globes—you can rest assured I know how to handle myself around the golden globes of womanly flesh (read: boobies). It just doesn’t stand to reason that the stories these women have told could possibly be true. Maybe they’re misremembering, maybe they’re jealous—who knows? I certainly don’t want to call them lying whores or scheming bitches. But would those terms be appropriate? Well, I’ll let my fans decide.

I was deeply saddened by Jane Doe #19, who claimed to have experienced “inappropriate sexual touching” on the set of my film Machismo in Montana. This one was upsetting to me due to the fact that this film was considered the “runaway hit of the summer” in 2014, and I won my second People’s Choice Award from my performance as lead character Martin “Macho” Mason. (If you’d like to take a break from reading this to go re-watch Machismo in Montana, I’d understand.) Anyway, Jane Doe #19’s claims have really put a damper on one of the highlights of my career, and that is very upsetting to me. Then, to add insult to injury, her accusation isn’t even specific! “Inappropriate sexual touching”—what even is that? Is shaking the hand of your coworker “inappropriate”? Is patting them on the shoulder “inappropriate”? Is sticking your hand between their cleavage “inappropriate”? We have no way of knowing. Where must the line be drawn?!

As the grandson of not one but TWO grandmothers, I have nothing but respect for women. I don’t even curse in their presence, because I know they’re delicate flowers who must be protected from coarse, vulgar language. I always hold open doors for them and pull out chairs because I know they aren’t physically strong enough to do these things themselves. I am, in essence, a perfect gentleman, a nice guy, a dream husband. Any woman would be lucky to have me. Unfortunately, my bitch of an ex-wife couldn’t see that—

Wait. We’re getting off track here. What were we talking about again? Oh, right—ladies. Let me tell you, I am a real ladies’ man. Lover of the ladies, right here, but in a respectful way, of course. Sure, I might catcall women, but only to bring a smile to their face through the power of compliments. I support female beauty pageants not because of the swimsuits (although, fine, I do enjoy the swimsuits), but because of the scholarships they offer women! Really, it strikes me as silly I even need to assure the public I’m pro-woman. As someone who is related to multiple women and interacts with women almost every day, obviously I can’t be sexist. Right? I’m pretty sure that’s how that works . . .

Of course, if you believe the story of Accuser #26, you’d think differently. She said I “ambushed” her in a secluded area one day on set, then asked her “a series of juvenile sex-related questions” while “giggling like a schoolboy.” Now, I am not seeking to discredit Ms. Accuser, but that cannot be true because I do not giggle. I chortle. I chuckle. But giggling . . . it’s beneath me. If she misremembered such a key detail, what else may she have incorrectly recalled? Perhaps the entire encounter was just a dream she had! It’s a theory.

I’m tempted to not even address what Accuser #38 said, but I feel I must. Though her identity was not revealed in the article that initially published her story, I have since identified this women and friends, let me tell you, she is not my type. She’s one of those women who just doesn’t make an effort, at all. Now, me personally, I like an effort. If you’re anything like my bitch of an ex-wife, you may say that’s hypocritical because I myself don’t make an effort in my appearance, but let’s face it, there’s different standards for men and women. And that’s not sexism! That’s reality! So anyway, this accuser . . . she’s just really not attractive enough to me. I mean, she’s fine. I wouldn’t kick her out of bed, I guess. But she doesn’t even wear skirts or wax her eyebrows. What can I do with that? But back to her accusations—she claims I asked her if she wanted to make out in a supply closet. While it’s true I have made out with numerous PAs in supply closets, I’m nearly certain I never asked this particular PA such a question. Like . . . 80 to 85% certain. Anyway, she then goes on to say that I “became increasingly aggravated and forceful” when she said no, and then started “punishing her” with “bad behavior on set” in order to “get revenge” for her having rejected me. Do I sometimes behave badly on set? Yes. Have I been known to punish individual people by acting badly on set? Yeah, sure—who hasn’t? But again, I’m 80 to 85% sure this woman wasn’t one of the people I acted this way with. Because, as I said before, she really wasn’t hot enough to bother.

Now that I’ve said my peace, and feel like I’ve laid down an airtight defense for myself, I don’t know what else there is to address. How do I conclude this thing? Well, I guess I could say a few words about the women whose accusations I have chosen not to talk about specifically in this statement. Not addressing their claims does NOT mean they’re true. It also doesn’t mean they’re not not true. It just means . . . I plead the fifth? But, to any women who feels I “hurt” her, I am sorry that you misunderstood. See? I’m not afraid to apologize, no matter what my bitch of an ex-wife says.

Hopefully, having read this statement, you’ve come away with a better understanding of my views toward women. You now know how I really feel about them. And you know just how valid these women’s accusations actually are! (Which is to say, not valid at all.) I would also like to add that I totally support this whole #MeToo thing. It’s great. But also, let’s maybe tone it down a touch, mm’kay ladies? How about we redirect some of that rage toward other projects? Like knitting! Or baking. That would be very productive, methinks!

In conclusion, I like women (especially their breasts), I’m a super great guy (who’s currently single—but not for long, so act fast!), I’m an amazingly distinguished actor (my film Last Gentlemen is in theaters now, go see it!), and a lot of these accusations just aren’t fair. That about sums it up. I guess I want to leave you with this question: If at least one person enjoys it, is it really sexual harassment? Discuss!

Most sincerely,

Kevin-Lewis Chris Lause,

Lover of Women, Gentleman, Famed Actor