Since it’s Halloween, let’s take a trip down memory lane together to a time before the harvesting of chocolate led to deforestation and displacement, toxic products in name-brand candies, and poisonings, but after the time of razor blades and syringes in candy, toxic products in homemade goods, and those darn poisonings, to a segment I’d like to call…

 

Trick-or-Treating Rip-offs of the Mid-90s

 

The first offender:

Minis

Now I love the occasional mini—sometimes they’d get in the mix and that was fine—but there were people who gave out just minis. Just minis! The standard “fun-sized” Halloween candy is barely half of a candy bar and the minis, you may ask? Barely half of that. So this sucked not only for the kids but consumers in general. Buying just minis wasn’t going to stop children from gorging on candy, it was just giving out barely ¼ of a candy bar to a kid who was going to look at you with seething rage and disappointment, and during this exchange, you both would think you were being ripped off, especially when you saw all the standard “fun-sized” bars in that kid’s bag.

No Names

I don’t mean names I don’t recognize—I love trying new stuff. I mean literally no name or distinguishable features. You know, that candy that was either wrapped in the smallest amount of foil allowed or extremely greased wax paper. Is it taffy, is it chocolate, is it lemon drops, has it been sitting in some grandma’s purse for years? Who knows?

Raisins

When on their own or in the occasional bagel, they are perfectly fine. But raisins were not and are not candy! The whole point of trick or treating is the candy. They’re not nature’s candy either, they are no one’s candy because they’re not fucking candy. This applies to raisinets too. They’re okay at the movies or at home, but not mixed in with my damn Halloween candy.

Tiny Toothpaste

Also tooth brushes, mini shampoos, mini mouthwash, et cetera. Either you just came from the airport or you’re an asshole. Not only were the people who gave these out going against the spirit of trick-or-treating, they were insulting my hygienic skills. Just because I came to your house looking for free candy dressed as a witch doesn’t mean I don’t bush my teeth or know what shampoo is.

Bibles/Religious Pamphlets

Okay. First off, why? Secondly, if you don’t like Halloween or it’s against your beliefs, cool, just don’t open your door. It’s not that hard. To go out of your way to ruin a kid’s fun and make them feel bad is not okay, just flat-out not okay. It doesn’t make your set of beliefs look desirable and it upsets both kids and parents, so why do it? A kid is not possessed by the devil because he decides to dress up as Spiderman for the night. Just be cool and don’t answer the door.

But the worst offender by far has to be…

LAST YEAR’S CANDY

Who the fuck did this, you may ask? Well, you would be surprised. This also includes candy from Christmas, Easter, et cetera. If that candy spent an entire summer with you and you didn’t eat it, WHY GIVE IT TO CHILDREN????? And don’t play the oh-they’ll-never-know card, OF COURSE THEY KNOW, normal candy is not that chalky or melted or shaped like an egg or Christmas tree, the hell is wrong with you people? If anything, the people who do this shit are the ones that should be given religious pamphlets.

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Well, moral of the story: don’t do these shitty things—and if you’re interested, check out what palm oil in chocolate is doing to the planet. Happy Halloween and boo-bye!