Ah, Halloween. My favorite time of year to gorge myself on candy, drink, and watch visibly cold individuals try to move around in the latest cumbersome, revealing, or meme-based costume. Now thankfully the worst offenders—the “sexy” Handmaid’s Tale and “sexy” (but ultimately horrifying for a totally different reason) Alex Jones costume—were both dropped from their prospective retailers, because only 95% of 2018 should be a terrible shit-show. Of course, nothing’s stopping you from looking these atrocities up and making your own (please don’t), but for whom it may concern, rest assured that there are plenty of other awful, awful, costumes this year that will get that blood pumping, make your skin crawl or have you vomiting in terror.

Object Horror

 

Are you a creature from another planet who, having never been to earth, decides to come on Halloween and “blend”? Or perhaps just escaped some sort of crazy cult/spent most of your time encased in some sort of tube, cave, or jar and felt like, on a whim, this was the time to give this whole Hallows Eve thing a go? Those are the only reasons why I could possibly see anyone going anywhere as a “sexy” flagpole,  anthropomorphic foods, or risqué box of freaking crayons. What’s next, a stapler?? A lusty pair of scissors?

Young Fad Favorites

 

Pokemon-get-that away from me, Yo-SEE what I did there? These costumes are just as annoying and terrible as reading that last sentence.  Also emoji boobs: fighting. Not sexy. Your eyes are up there and your chest shouldn’t be making any faces at me.

Rotten Ring Leaders

 

With the unseen popularity of The Greatest Showman—a ramplently inaccurate musical about circus jerk and all-around terrible guy, PT Barnum—the circus has never been *insert cheesy adjective like hotter, wilder, etc here.* Seriously, the market is flooded with these things: there are over twenty different variations of bottomless Barnum on a single website, because apparently we want whipping and dangerous stunts done to us by animal or man.

Bow Down to Our Authoritarian Government in Style

 

Along with this official you wouldn’t SWAT out of the bedroom, we have your standard sexy cop, sultry sheriff, DTF: ATF officer, but most horrific, the (not pictured for pure outrage reasons) scantily-clad ICE agent.

The “Where Did That Come From??”

 

Costumes such as a slutty skeleton, the great pumpkin, and terrible media parodies like fake princess Leia (the worst part being the complete lack of accuracy) are like the founding fathers of Halloween. It seems nothing can end the tradition of turning something as unsexual as a skeleton or a freaking pumpkin into a reason to freeze to death while showing off your assets. Like the rest of our cyclical fashion system, what was once crass and cliché will be churned out again with new life from witches or cyborgs, à la Michael Myers.

Even More Movie Parodies!

 

Don’t worry everyone, thanks to the continuing popularity of superhero movies, you and your friends can now roll out as an entire group of sexy Avengers (plus Spiderman), or an entire bottomless Justice League if you’re more of a DC fan. 2018 is truly a marketplace for the objectification of nerd culture—and just objectification in general. What a time to be alive!

I Am Not a Party Pooper

 

So, I did happen to find three Halloween outfits that aren’t completely objectionable. The Ursula is gorgeous. The sultry Pennywise is both extremely scary (especially do to my crippling fear of clowns) and strangely alluring. My personal favorite however, and the sexiest costume on this list, is the over-two-thousand-dollar “Pink Lady” Gorilla costume who has the most interesting reverse bikini cut. I mean, look at that thing—nipples out and ready to go. I would pay up to four thousand dollars just to be in the same room as that forty-pound jungle beauty.

Well, that’s it for me. Stay spooky, everyone!