I’ve been binge-watching Ugly Betty for the first time, and the character Amanda—who is the hot (but not so bright) receptionist—says to Betty that Betty is lucky because when a man falls for her, she knows it’s really love, whereas if a man falls for Amanda, she doesn’t know if it’s over her looks or not. And this got me thinking…

So, I’m just gonna say it: There is a double standard for men and women when it comes to dating a person who isn’t their “type.” I don’t care what you have to say about it, I know what I’m talking about. A man is allowed to, without judgement, selectively choose a woman he wants to pursue based solely on the superficial, but if a woman doesn’t give a chance to a guy who isn’t her “type,” she’s suddenly labeled as shallow. How Sway?

I have dabbled in online dating here and there over the years, in between breakups with my ex, and there was this guy who, every time I decided to make a dating profile again, would instantly message me. The first time he messaged me, he just straight-up gave me his phone number. I never used it. After that, every time I decided to get back online, within hours he would message me slick stuff like, “Oh I see you still lookin… lol”, or “Maybe you should reconsider your type”, and other condescending things. I just ignored him, because I thought he was weird, TBH, and I just didn’t have time to deal with his attitude. But then he caught me on a day I had time to get him all the way together.

So he messages me some glib comment saying he sees I still have no success in dating other guys. My response was, “I like how your approach with me is always judgmental.” He proceeded to tell me he wasn’t judging but thought I was “picky.” And I knew what that meant—he thought I was shallow and superficial. I had to explain to him that he really didn’t know me and whatever preconceived notion he had was false. I told him that he was insecure and was probably made to feel like he was inadequate by other women at some point, and he was now projecting his insecurities onto me. Basically he wanted me to admit I was vapid and that is why I wouldn’t give him a chance, because he wasn’t my “type.” And he wasn’t, but him not being my type had nothing to do with the fact that I never called.

I have friends who have been assaulted, kidnapped, and I’ve been stalked before (by someone who I didn’t even meet online—I didn’t know him at all!), so I’m rather cautious when it comes to meeting guys just in general. If there is ever a guy that I meet in person or online that seems to be in a rush, my guard immediately goes up. And it should! I explained this to him, talked about how I have to be smart and protect myself, but this guy refused to understand my perspective and instead continued to believe the lie he told himself.

In his opinion, I decided not to give him a chance because I was shallow, and he told me I needed to stop dating guys “with tattoos and muscles.” Why did he think that was my type? Not sure—maybe he’s weird, or maybe that’s just his idea of the default “bad boy” women like? He told me that he and I would be a good match because we both don’t have kids. How would that make us a good match? I don’t know, and he didn’t know either when I asked. I finally just had to really call him out and tell him the reason I was not interested was not because of his looks, because I didn’t see anything wrong with him physically. No, the actual problem was that he took no time to get to know me, sent me his phone number, and then proceeded to make fun of me for being single any time he saw I was back on the dating site. And I don’t want to be talked down to, or, personally, be pursued based solely on my looks. That was my issue—he took no time to get to know me but made up in his mind we would be a good match because of my appearance, and expected me to give him a chance to prove I wasn’t shallow… and I guess also to prove I’m dumb?

I don’t mean to be a jerk, but I’ve been on a dating site for one day and had five hundred guys swipe right on me. Just imagine how many messages I get when I’m on a site where you don’t have to match to communicate? It gets out of hand. And I can’t pursue every man who tries to connect with me, because then I’ll have to quit my job to make time, and be slut-shamed endlessly. I just can’t win.

I see this with women I know—we are sometimes guilted into dating men we aren’t interested in because we don’t want to be labeled as shallow. Someone, somewhere, said that what we want isn’t always what we need, and our type isn’t always good for us, blah blah blah. And now us women have been forcibly brainwashed to believe if we do not go outside of our comfort zone or lower our standards or ignore our type, we will probably never find happiness. It’s crazy. While in some cases it may be true, as a woman I should never feel like I have to date a guy to prove I’m a nice person, especially when he is only interested in my looks and doesn’t care about my mind.

I am speaking objectively when I say that I am good looking. But, despite my almond-shape eyes and dimple, I think what I offer emotionally, socially, and mentally totally surpasses my looks. Still, I understand that some men will pursue me based solely on the fact I’m their “type,” and that’s okay. When you first meet a person, all you can go off of is their appearance. But why are women scolded for doing the same thing? It’s a backwards ideology that seems to be relatively standard in social settings. Women are always told to look past the flaws, and men seem to be pushed to date women that are “out of their league.” Who makes the decisions regarding who is in which league? I’m not sure—but someone behind a curtain somewhere makes the rules. Well, I refuse to be forced to date someone who doesn’t take the time to get to know me, someone who gets a pass for being superficial. I should be able to choose whether or not to date a guy who isn’t necessarily my “type.” I deserve to have these rights. I shouldn’t have to feel like a bad person just for not giving every guy who is interested in me a chance.