Please Don’t Love Me

Please don’t love me.

I know, I know…

My eyes are the richest shade of brown known to man,

and one look from me awakens a part of you that you didn’t know existed.

But I’m telling you, you are making the most epically horrific choice falling for me.


I know my full lips look like soft rosy pink pillows that you want to smother yourself in,

and my smile is a constant reminder of what is good in the world,

but if you lower your guard for me, I’ll ruin your life.


I’m begging you, please don’t even think about making me your woman,

because my radiant tan skin looks like I’ve been kissed by both the sun and angels,

and my touch feels familiar, as if we loved each other in dozens of past lives,

but trust me when I say you don’t want these problems.


I know you think I have a heart of palladium, more rare than gold,

and put me on a pedestal along with Michelle, Oprah and Malala,

but you’ll find yourself ruing the day you met me if you continue to pursue me.


I know I seem like your wildest dreams come true,

and I know you are convinced I am, without a doubt, the perfect girl,

but I’m not. I promise you, I’m not.


I know you think you know my heart’s desire, but if you could look past all the things you find adorable about me, you’ll realize how astronomically horrible I am for you.


I’m an expert procrastinator,

I can’t even talk to anyone until after I’ve had my coffee,

I’m a compulsive shopper and I am addicted to shoes,

I’m a sporadic grouch without reason,

I’m in love with another man,

I read more gossip blogs than books,

That radiant skin you love is Mac highlight,

I eat out for almost every meal,

I’m in love with another man,

I hate to be around people for more than two hours,

I’m inconsiderate and selfish more than I’d like to admit,

I hardly recycle,

I’m a terrible flosser,

I’m an undeserving know-it-all,

I will never share my cheesecake with you,

I’ll never allow mayonnaise into my house,

and I’m in love with another man . . .


And, I forgot to mention—I’m in love with another man.

And I don’t see that changing any time soon.


Because I seem so perfect to you,

but really, I’m perfect for him.

Because his eyes awaken the unknown parts of my being,

and his smile reminds me of all that is good in the world,

and he is more precious than gold and palladium,

and he is perfect to me.

And I long for him.

And I’ll wait several eternities over for him.

And I wish he longed for me like how you long for me,

but he doesn’t.


And even if he doesn’t love me,

it doesn’t change my mind.

I’ve already ruined my own life

because no one warned not to fall for him.

So please save yourself from me,

because I don’t want to ruin life too.


I beg you,

please don’t love me.